


I Lived

by Kaitty_Katt132



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Drama, Emotional Manipulation, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, F/M, Hurt, Physical Abuse, Romance, Unplanned Pregnancy, Verbal Abuse
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-18
Updated: 2021-01-27
Packaged: 2021-03-09 19:20:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 11
Words: 20,586
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27751450
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kaitty_Katt132/pseuds/Kaitty_Katt132
Summary: “I’m not saying they don’t exist. What I’m saying is I’ve had enough unanswered prayers and seen enough evil running free in this world to know that even if they existed they sure as fuck don’t give a single shit about Humans or Earth.” I could hear the exhaustion in my own voice.The more I thought about it, the more what, the angel, said seemed to make sense. Divine intervention would explain the blackouts and the waking up in random places, but why now. Why is this when they decide I need help? Why not when I was little, and being abandoned by the only father I’d ever known? Why not when I witnessed the same thing happen to the Winchester boys the first time John dropped them on Bobby’s doorstep? Why not when my ex-boyfriend was beating me to a pulp every damn day? They didn’t care about me or my safety then, so why should I care about what they want now.
Relationships: Dean Winchester/Original Female Character(s)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 6





	1. Beginnings and Endings

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted on Fanfic.net when I was 16 and it wasn't great. My roommate and I went through and polished the hell out of it so we are taking the old copy of the chapters down and reposting it a chapter a week.

Standing here looking at the house I grew up in it all came rushing back.

***Sioux Falls, South Dakota – July 4th,1987***

"They're so pretty, Uncle Bobby!" I stood there staring at the sparkler in my uncle's hand as it slowly burnt out.

"They're just sparklers." I ignored Dean. I'd been doing it a lot recently.

"Did you get fireworks, Bobby?" Sam had a talent for knowing when to diffuse growing tension. I think it's just part of being four and not actually knowing what's going on.

"Of course I did. It wouldn't be a Fourth of July party without 'em." The smile on Sammy's face could have melted the coldest heart. Except for Deans.

"Doesn't look like much of a party to me." Dean's attitude was really getting to me.

"I've never seen fireworks before. Are they like sparkles, Kate?" Sammy, the four-year-old instant tension deflator.

"They're just like sparklers but bigger and louder and more colourful." Watching his eyes light up with excitement was worth dealing with Dean's attitude. It's not like I don't understand why he's being such a dick. His dad promised to be here to take them to the town's BBQ. But he didn't show up and now they're stuck with me and Uncle Bobby in a clearing by his house. I knew that feeling of disappointment. My Dad dropped me off at Bobby's four years ago saying he'd be back at the end of the summer.

"Kate, Kate, Bobby's starting! Come on!" I swear sometimes Sammy is stronger than he looks.

"Okay, okay. I'm coming, don't pull my arm off!" Sammy dragged me to a huge boulder on the edge of the clearing. We sat down side by side. Just after the first firework went off I felt someone sit down beside me.

"I'm sorry."

"It's okay, Dean. I get it." I slid my hand into his, then leant against his side putting my head on his shoulder, letting him know he wasn't alone. "I'm sure he would be here if he could."

"Yeah, right." I couldn't respond. Partly because I was busy yawning and partly because I didn't have a good enough response. "You know if you fall asleep Sammy's going to get mad at you for missing the rest of the fireworks."

"Let him. I'm tired and you're warm and comfy." I curled myself further into Dean's side as he put his arm around me.

"Thank you." I was almost asleep when Dean whispered in my ear.

"For what?"

"Being here." I fell asleep with a smile on my face, curled up next to Dean, as Sammy watched the fireworks in awe. I don't know what Dean was watching but I could tell, whatever it was, made him happy.

***Bobby's House – September 1990***

"Kate, do you think Bobby will like the cookies we made?" I had two options, I could tell Sammy the truth, [he'd burnt the entire batch and I'm going to have to throw them away] or I could lie to him.

"I think Bobby will love them." As I said this the front door closed making a sound only made by a certain person, "And where have you been?"

"None of your business." I wish I could say I didn't know why Dean was such an ass but I did know, hell I'd been there myself. But everyone deals with this disappointment differently.

"It is when school ended an hour ago. We were worried about you."

"Whatever. Are those cookies?"

"Me and Kate made them!" Sammy was covered in frosting again.

"Seriously, Sammy! I just finished cleaning up the last mess you made!" As Dean began to walk past me I grabbed his arm. "Don't eat the ones on the stove."

"Why?"

"They're completely burnt."

"Thanks for the heads up." He entered the kitchen and was immediately cornered by Sammy.

"Dean, you should try one of these! I made them all by myself." Honestly, I thought the ass deserved it.

"They're very good, Sammy." It was so hard to keep from laughing. "You know what, Sammy, you should give Kate one." Oh, you dirty bastard.

"Here Kate, I was keeping this one for myself but you can have it cause you helped me make them." And now I have to eat it.

"It's delicious, Sammy." Oh, what I'd give to wipe that smirk off Dean's face.

"I have to go." Dean got up from his chair and started heading toward the front door.

"Where?" Did he not just get home.

"I'm going to play baseball with some guys from school." Oh...

"Can I come?" Please say yes.

"No, girls don't play baseball, it's a guys sport."

"Oh... yeah, I get it." No, I don't...

"Whatever. I'll be back later." The door seemed to slam louder as he left or maybe that was just the sound of my heart cracking for what seemed like the millionth time.

"I'll play baseball with you, Kate." Oh, Sammy. If only it was just about baseball.

"I don't think we can play baseball with just the two of us. But we can play catch."

"I'll go get my ball."

***Bobby's House – May 1993***

"Uncle Bobby, I'm home." The door closed quietly behind me, something didn't feel right.

"Bobby's gone on a 'hunting' trip." oh "Where have you been, anyway?"

"I was shopping with my friend, Bekka. I bought this dress, isn't it pretty?" I twirled around mostly because I love how the skirt of the dress flared out when I did. I secretly hoped Dean would like it, too.

"It's not practical." Oh...

"What?"

"Well, what's going to happen when you get attacked by a shapeshifter? You're going to be too worried about ripping your dress or getting it dirty to defend yourself. And even if you weren't, it's not really good for fighting in with all that skin showing." Oh...

"Yeah... Yeah, your right. I didn't really think about that. I'll just go back and return it tomorrow." It's really pretty and I don't really want to get rid of it but Dean has a point.

"Whatever." He started to walk around me.

"Where are you going?"

"Out." And with that, he slammed the door.

"Oh, Okay. See you later, I guess..."

"Don't listen to him." Huh... Oh, it's just Sammy.

"What?" I turned to see him standing on the stairs as if he had been there watching the entire time... He probably had been.

"Don't listen to Dean, he didn't really mean it anyway. Keep the dress, it looks really pretty on you." Oh, Sammy...

"Thanks, Sammy... You know that you don't have to do that."

"Do what?" I can't decide whether it's a good or bad thing that Sammy's a horrible liar.

"Fix Dean's mistakes."

"I don't know what you're talking about." Of course, you don't... Just like Dean doesn't purposely lie to you every time your Dad doesn't show up.

"Sure you don't." I gave him that look I do when he tries to lie about something. The 'is that really the story you're going with?' face.

"Can we watch a movie?" The perfect change of subject.

"Fine, you pick a movie and I'll get the snacks."

"Cool. Don't forget to put butter on the popcorn."

"I never do."

"Hey, I'm just making sure." Sometimes Sammy can be really annoying.

"Whatever." The little idiot stuck his tongue out at me, so being the mature responsible person that I am, I stuck my tongue out at him.

"Wow Kate, your sooooooo mature."

"You did it first loser."

"Just make the popcorn. And don't forget the butter!"

***Bobby's House – June 1997***

I was trying to shove as much as I could into my duffel-bag, as fast as I could without crying again. It was bad enough to find out that I was adopted and that was why my Dad had no problems with abandoning me here. Then I found Dean in that janitor's closest with that blonde slut after school. As soon as my duffel was packed I was down the stairs and out the door. I threw my bag in the passenger seat and walked around to the driver's side.

"Kate, Kate! Where are you going?" I was hoping I'd be gone before this could happen.

"I'm leaving, Sammy." Oh come on, kid, please don't start crying.

"Why?" Oh, Sammy, you know why.

"A lot of reasons, kid." Please, please don't make me say it out loud. I don't want you to hate him. He's all you got.

"It's because of Dean, isn't it? Don't go, we can make him leave. He's 18." Oh, Sammy, it's more than just that. I don't belong here, not anymore.

"Sammy, it's not just Dean. There's-"

"But he is part of the reason."

"Look, Sammy. It's complicated, there's a lot of thi-"

"Kate!" Speak of the Devil and the Devil shall appear.

"Look, Sammy, I really have to go. But I promise I'll call every day at our special time, alright?" Come on kid, Dean's getting closer.

"Pinky promise?"

"Pinky promise." We hooked our pinkies together both our eyes filling with tears. "I'm going to miss you, kid." I hopped into my truck turning the key as fast as I could.

"I'm gonna miss you, too."

"Kate, wait!" Dammit, Dean! Why can't you just let me go?

"Move, Dean, or I swear to God I'll run you over!"

"Just please let me-"

"Don't you have some blonde bimbo to be screwing in a janitor's closet right now?" It was a low blow but I didn't care. I was angry and just wanted him to get out of the way. And he did. I floored the gas and tore out of there leaving nothing but dust and memories behind.

I drove for hours not even paying attention to where I was. Eventually, I pulled into some small town to keep my promise and get some sleep. I pulled into the parking lot of a rundown motel and got a room. The first thing I did when I got in there was phone Sam.

"Kate?" He sounded so happy. Sometimes I forget that his family doesn't keep promises.

"Hi, Sammy."

"You kept your promise." He sounded so shocked, and it broke my heart.

"Of course I did... How's Bobby taking it?" I had to ask, no matter how much the answer might hurt me.

"He's really angry, but he says he understands why you had to go. He just wishes you had said goodbye before you left."

"I couldn't. I was trying to get out before Dean could show up..."

"I know... Sometimes I really hate Dean." Oh, Sammy...

"You shouldn't hate him, Sammy. He's your brother."

"I know it's just..." The broken tone of his voice shattered my heart.

***Bobby's House – Present Day***

Over the last couple of years, I kept my promise to phone Sammy every day. I was so happy when he told me he was going to college. He deserved a better life than the one we all have. So you can guess I was a little disappointed two years ago when he quit going to help Dean. I eventually mended my relationship with Bobby. I started calling him Dad a few years back because honestly, he's the only real father I've ever had.

"Dad, I'm home." The smell of his house enveloped me as I opened the door. I missed the smell. Old and musty, like a good library.

"In the office." I made my way into the office and there he was sitting at his desk, researching god knows what for God knows who.

"It's a little late for research, is it not?"

"Nonsense... Actually, what time is it?" It's good to see he still hasn't changed.

"Bedtime. Come on, old man." I was surprised when he got up willingly with only a few grumbles about not being that old. Whatever he's researching must be stressing him out more than usual.

"Goodnight, sweetheart." He kissed me on the forehead like I was a little girl.

"G'night, Dad. I'll see you in the morning."

"Yeah, yeah." I have a feeling he might not be up till noon.

I headed up to my room. I opened the door and it looked exactly as I had left it. Movie posters on the walls, jewellery and makeup covering every surface of every dresser. It was liked I was 18 again, complete with a picture of me and the Winchester boys on my nightstand. I slept better than I had in a long time.

____________________________________________

As I predicted Dad didn't wake up till almost noon. He came down just as his unannounced guests arrived. Luckily I'd baked and cooked enough food to feed a small army.

"I smell pies. Hey Bobby, did you finally find yourself a woman?" Oh, Dean.

"No, I-" I didn't let Bobby finish, simply cause I loved messing with Dean.

"No, he stole yours." The look on Dean's face was priceless. Although I probably looked quite the sight too. I mean, I was dressed in nothing but my pj's which weren't much, a pair of plaid pyjama shorts and a tank top, and an apron that was covered in flour. I was also holding the pie that I just took out of the oven. "Come on boys, I have breakfast ready and waiting on the table." With that, I turned around making sure to sway my hips a little. Sometimes I can just be so evil.

"Wait, Dean. What does she mean he stole yours?" Dammit, I was hoping no one else caught that. Sammy always has been an overachiever.

"Ummm... I don't know." Really convincing Dean. Now I had two options, leave Dean out there with the Spanish inquisition or save his ass yet again.

"Boys, the foods going to get cold." I stuck my head out the door and glared. "And if you don't get in here now then you can all eat Bobby's cooking." That caused them to trip over one another to get to the kitchen.

Entering the kitchen last, I realized my mistake. There were four of us and only three chairs. Now I had two options, I could go search Bobby's house for a suitable chair or I could sit on Dean's lap and ignore Bobby and Sam's stares. I could tell that Dean had also come to this conclusion. Bobby and Sam, however, were completely clueless, to absorbed in trying to eat as much food as possible.

Apparently, Dean decided to make the choice for me, grabbing me around the waist and pulling me onto his lap. The unexpected movement caused me to squeak. It just so happens the squeak happened right in Dean's ear, which serves the bastard right for manhandling me. This of course leads to one of our legendary death glare, staring contests. Staring into Dean's eyes felt like a thousand years had passed (but it was probably only a couple of seconds) before we were interrupted by Sam making a noise that sounded like he was dying.

"Jeez, Sammy! Are you alright?" I broke the staring contest, turning to look at Sam and accidentally making myself more comfortable on Dean's lap.

"It's Sam, not Sammy," Oh god, not this again.

"I don't care, you have and always will be Sammy to me. But seriously, you sounded like a dying cat." And he's staring at me in that, 'you totally know what's going on so stop acting stupid' look that I always use to give him.

"Uh-uh. You do not get to use my own look against me, Sammy. Use your words like a big boy." So antagonizing him probably wasn't the best idea especially since Bobby hadn't clued in to what was going on yet and was still happily chomping away at his pancakes.

"Brilliant idea, Kate. Cause poking the bear is always the best idea." Something was off. I could sense it. Bobby still hadn't clued in, plus his behaviour last night... And Sam and Dean seem off, too, like there's something they're trying to hide.

"Alright, what aren't you three telling me?" I stood up making sure they were all looking at me so I could find which one was most likely to give me some answers. Looking at their faces it was clear Bobby wasn't going to give anything up. So that left Dean and Sam. Dean wasn't likely to tell me, no matter what matters of persuasion I used. But Sammy...

"Sammy." I gave him the look I use to give him when we were younger and he'd cover for Dean.

"Uh... Um... What do you mean? There's nothing wrong. Right, Dean?" Oh Sammy, you still suck at lying.

"Sammy... Whatever it is, it can't be that bad. Come on, you know I can handle it." I'm not the fragile little girl everyone seems to think I am, and the sooner they figure that out the better.

"I-died-a-year-ago-and-Dean-sold-his-soul-to-a-crossroads-demon-to-bring-me-back-and-we've-been-trying-to-find-a-way-to-keep-Dean-from-going-to-hell-but-we-only-had-a-year-and-that-year-is-up-in-like-a-week." The fact that he got that all out in one breath is impressive. And then it hit me.

"You. Did. What!!?" If looks could kill Dean would be six feet under. A soul collecting crossroads demon wasn't the only thing these two had to worry about right now. I moved my glare to Sam "And you died!" And finally, I set my glare on Bobby. "And you didn't think I should know about any of this? Not even the fact that Sam died?!"

And with that, I made my exit. Running almost blindly through the house and out the front door. I didn't stop till I got to the clearing where we'd set fireworks off almost every fourth of July. At least before I found out about being adopted and Deans screwing of the blond in the janitor's closet. Before I left and our lives really fell to shit. I never realized how good we had it back then. We had a somewhat stable adult figure who loved us and we had each other. And now... Now I was about to lose the one person I cared about most.


	2. Winchester’s Suck

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I wanted us to have the life we should have had... A happy one. One where Sam went to law school, and we were together, white picket fence and everything. And even though this past year wasn't that, well, it was damn near close. And if I end up dying in a week then I'm going to die happy because I got to have that with you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one's short but necessary development. The next one is much longer and was a lot of work fixing the mistakes 16 year old me made.
> 
> We've decided on posting 2x a week, Wednesday and Sunday.
> 
> See you guys Sunday ♡

***Clearing By Bobby’s House – Present Day***

I have no idea how long I sat there. The only thing my mind recognized was the crushing pain in my chest and eventually the big, warm hand that slipped into mine.

"I'm sorry-"

"Holding my hand and telling me you're sorry is not going to cut it anymore, Dean. You're not an angry little 8-year-old who's being a dick cause his dad broke a promise. You're a grown-ass man who showed up at my door a year ago drunk out of your mind saying all the things I wanted to hear all these years. A man I let in, even though I knew he'd be gone in the morning and I'd be left heartbroken. Again.

"But you stayed. And I guess I should have known something was wrong then, but I didn't want to. Everything was amazing. You were there, and we were together. And it was everything I had ever wanted. But it was all a lie. The perfect little life I thought I was living was a lie." I couldn't speak anymore. Nothing but gut-wrenching sobs would pass through my lips.

"Kate, I... Look there's nothing I can say that would make this bett-" I cut him off with a laugh.

"Ahh, yes. Here it comes, a totally reasonable excuse to get you out of talking about your feelings or about how you've done something wrong. You know Dean, you're not him. You never have been and you never will be, or at least that's what I use to believe," The look on his face told me I'd hit a nerve. Good, maybe I'd finally get through to him.

"You pushed us all away, Dean. And, sure, maybe we all keep coming back but only because we believe you can change, that we can fix the damage that John did to you. To be honest, I'm losing faith that you really can, Dean. I mean, you spent the last year lying to me and running off on 'hunts' every time I wanted to talk about the night you showed up. If you can't change Dean then... then-"

"Then what, Kate? You'll leave? You really think that's gonna help me. Treating me like my old man did? What am I saying you already did that. Hell, you threatened to run me over!" Oh, Dean...

"I'm not going to leave again. I made a promise to all three of you and I don't break promises. Plus, what happened eleven years ago was not me treating you like John did. That was a scared, hurt 18-year-old girl who had found out the reason her father had abandoned her was that he wasn't really her father and the only reason he agreed to adopt her in the first place was for her mother and thought that since she had died he no longer had to be responsible for her. Then she went to find the boy she loved because she needed him. Needed to know someone still loved her and found him hooking up with her best friend in a janitor's closet!" I turned around ready to run. But I didn't because I wanted, no, needed to hear what he said.

"You never did let me explain." Oh, this is going to be good. "I was looking for you when you found me in that closet. I had run into Sam on the way home and he had told me you had gone back to the school looking for me and that you were in tears. So, I went back there and was wandering the halls looking for you when I ran into Bekka. I asked her if she had seen you and she told me no but that she'd help me look. So we're wandering the halls looking for you and all of a sudden she pulls me into a janitor's closet. I guess she must have seen you. And when she hears the doorknob begin to turn she throws herself at me." That's... Well, that's actually plausible. I mean, I always thought Bekka was a bit of a flirt. The more I think about it the only person I ever really saw her flirt with was Dean. " You don't believe me? Seriously!?"

"I believe you, but... Dean, that doesn't change the fact that you spent a year lying to me. How am I supposed to believe that what happened the last 12 months was real?" I still wasn't looking at him. I couldn't look at him because I knew if I did, I'd be done. I'd see the pain in his eyes that probably was an exact mirror of the pain in mine and I'd just want to make him feel better. Dean was my weak spot, had been since the day we met.

"I didn't tell you about Sam dying because... I didn't want you to blame me. I just... I couldn't handle even the idea of you hating me. And when I sold my soul to bring him back... I didn't tell you because if this really was my last year... I wanted us to have the life we should have had... A happy one. One where Sam went to law school, and we were together, white picket fence and everything. And even though this past year wasn't that, well, it was damn near close. And if I end up dying in a week then I'm going to die happy because I got to have that with you."

"You really wanted all that? With me?" It was silent and for a second, I thought he hadn't heard me.

"Of course, I did. Hell, you're the only one I want it with! And I would have done it all. I'd have gotten a real job, you could have opened the bakery you had always wanted. We'd buy one of those old houses with its own personal library. And eventually, we could have had kids because, with you, I feel like I could do it. I could live the normal life... give up hunting for good... Be a father..." God, I wanted to turn around but... He hadn't said it... The one thing I'd been waiting a year for. The three words I hadn't heard from him since I was 18. "Kate I-"

"There you guys are!" You know, I use to think Sam had the best timing. But, right now, he has the worst possible timing.

"Sammy! We're kind of in the middle of something." I turned to look Sam in the eye as I said this.

"Oh, I'll just. Yeah..." It felt like forever before Sam left. When he was finally out of sight, I turned and finally looked at Dean. And the moment I did, I lost it.

"Kate, I-" And for the second time that night, Dean was cut off. Although this time it was by me slamming myself into him and kissing him with all I had. It's not that I don't want to hear him say it, it's that I didn't want him to say it now. I wanted him to say it after they'd figured this all out and both of them came back alive. So, I poured every emotion I was feeling into that kiss, thinking it could do a better job of explaining it all than my words ever could.

"I know," I whispered as we broke for air. I laid my head on his shoulder and just let him hold me for a minute.

"Come on, before Bobby decides to come looking for us."

"Yeah, I'm not so sure it'd be a very pleasant experience." I had to laugh at the fear in Dean's voice.

"Come on, I'll protect you from the big bad Bobby." We walked back to the house, hand in hand.

***Bobby's House – A Week Later***

I wish I could say we spent the next week having sex, but that would be lying. I mean we certainly tried, but it's extremely hard to get any action while staying in your dads' house. Especially when he seems to be just around every corner. Either he's a ninja or using magic. Either way, his cock-blocking is not appreciated. You'd think he'd ease off at least a little bit considering the circumstances but a dad will always be a dad. I hurt my own feelings a little as I thought about my biological father and the man who adopted me. But I guess that just means they were never really fathers.

"You okay?" Hearing Sammy snapped me out of my depressing walk down memory lane.

"Oh yeah, Sammy. My boyfriend is about to die because he sold his soul to a demon to bring you back, which I want to be mad at him for but can't because I'd do the same thing. However, I am mad that he and his little brother – one of my best friends – and my father, were keeping major secrets from me for an entire year. If that wasn't enough all three have told me not to try and bring said boyfriend back. To 'move on'. If it were actually possible for me to move on from Dean, I would have sent him away a year ago."

"You never did tell me what happened."

"Great subject change, Sammy," I glared at him "You really want to know what happened?"

"Yeah, cause it apparently had a huge impact on both of you."

"Well, I guess I better start at the beginning." I'd like to say I told Sammy the whole truth, but the whole truth was too awful for anyone to know.


	3. If Only I'd Chosen Differently

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I started living for those three words, but he only said it when he hit me or we were in public. James didn't like going out much. Actually, it was more like he didn't like going out with me. So I started getting him angry on purpose and instead of avoiding him when he came home, I'd go out of my way to make sure I was the first thing he saw.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for physical and physiological abuse, cheating, eating disorder and isolation depression. 
> 
> If any of this makes you uncomfy, you can skip to either the '6 months later' header or skip the whole chapter, however the second half of the chapter is pretty heavy in exposition for the past year and doesn't have any of the trigger content.
> 
> Stay safe, please.

How do I answer Sam's question? I definitely can't answer it out loud. No, it's too much, too violent, for Sam to hear. Not to mention if I tell him the whole story he'd go get Dean and they'd go down to Kansas and murder James. So, how do I start this story? Do I start at the very beginning, when I ran away from Sioux Falls in search of answers and as much distance as I could put between myself and Dean Winchester? Or do I start at exactly a year ago, when the same Dean Winchester showed up at my door, completely wasted and apologizing for everything he'd ever said or done to me? My mind wandered to somewhere in the middle and all of a sudden I was lost in thoughts of the past, both good and bad.

***Lawrence, Kansas – 5 Years Ago***

It was about a month after I had found my adoptive father. I found him buried in a cemetery just outside of the city we use to live in. The same city that Sam and Dean were born in. We actually lived just a couple of blocks down from the house they lived in. It's funny how we never met until I moved in with Bobby.

Turns out my father died a little more than a month after he dropped me off a Bobby's. According to the newspapers in the archives at the library, it was a car accident. A semi ran a red late at night and t-boned his truck. He died on impact, it said he probably didn't even feel it. That's just how my life was going, I searched for six years and when I finally found him, he was dead. I had come all this way for nothing.

After I found out about my father, I went back to our old house. It looked abandoned, almost as if no one had lived there since my father died. Turns out, it had been. Apparently, everything my parents owned was left to me, or at least when I turned 18. It also turned out that Bobby must have known about my father's death because he was not only my godfather but the trustee of my parents' Estate. So even when Bobby finally told me the truth he was still holding things back and lying. I eventually found the family lawyer, signed the papers, moved into the old house and started fixing it up.

***Lawrence, Kansas – 3 Years Ago***

After two years, I had finally finished the renovations. I'd gotten a job at a local cafe. It was just me and the owner, Karla, but I liked it that way. Every Saturday night after work we'd go to a bar down the street. That's how I met Devon. And later, it's how I'd meet the one person I wish I had never met.

It was a typical Saturday night. Karla and I were seated at our regular spot right at the bar. It was busy, as usual, mostly because it was the only bar in this area of the city aimed towards people younger than 40. When Devon (at this point I'm pretty sure he's the only person who actually works there) wasn't busy he'd come and talk to us or as Karla put it ‘He flirts up a storm with you and politely chit-chats with me,’ but I'm pretty sure Karla's crazy (like legitimately) so I took everything she said with a grain of salt. It was in one of these such flirtations, that I met James.

How to describe James, I could describe him as my younger more naive self saw him. A gorgeous blonde with amazing blue eyes, who once you got to know him a little, seemed like the most intelligent person you ever met, _mostly because you spent most of your time around hunters and rednecks... not that there's much of a difference between the two_. He was witty and seductive and from New York. He was everything Dean Winchester wasn't. I fell hard and fast, without realizing that the James thought I knew wasn't the real one.

The first time it happened we were arguing about something stupid, I don't even remember what it was. I remember is his hand hitting my face and me stumbling into the kitchen island. By the I time I caught my footing he was already apologizing, "I'm so sorry" he said over and over and "It'll never happen again" and "It was an accident" and then those three little words that I always needed, that's the reason why I stayed.

I was in a horrible place, I was still in pain over what happened when I'd left and Sam had stopped calling. Actually, by the time James hit me for the first time, Sam was only calling once every couple of weeks if I was lucky. I was desperate for someone, anyone to love me and would do anything to keep them.

After that first time, it just went downhill. It started with him shoving me when we argued, then slapping because he was mad with me, then just because he was mad. Soon it felt like he was hitting me just for fun, but I stayed. I always stayed. Because after every punch, every slap, and even when I was shoved down the stairs, came those three words.

Three Little Words, that's all that mattered to me. He could do anything he wanted to me as long as he said those words after. I started living for those three words, but he only said it when he hit me or we were in public. James didn't like going out much. Actually, it was more like he didn't like going out with me. So I started getting him angry on purpose and instead of avoiding him when he came home, I'd go out of my way to make sure I was the first thing he saw.

I started eating less because one day he mentioned my weight. I started wearing girly clothes and makeup because he made a comment about liking girls who did that. I quit my job because he said he didn't like me working, that he was supposed to provide for me. I stopped going to the bar because he said he didn't the attention I got. I stopped talking to my friends because he didn't like what they said about him. I spent my entire day at home because he said he didn't want me going out by myself. I waited up till 2 in the morning for him to come home. He'd come in smelling like a bar and another women. Once he came home with lipstick on his collar and a pair of panties in his pocket. I pretended like I didn't see them. I changed who I was for him, let him beat me till I passed out. He slept with other girls and didn't bother to hide it.

My life continued like this for a year and a half, then one day James came home early. He said he'd been fired for drinking on the job. He said he had to drink to deal with how I'd been behaving. I believed him. He grabbed me by the hair and dragged me to the kitchen, flinging me towards the island. I barely even flinched. As I righted myself, he grabbed my arms with clawed hands hard enough to leave marks and screamed in my face, it was my fault, why did I make him do this to me, why couldn't I act like other girls.

It got to be too much and I started crying and saying I was sorry but that sent him into a rage. He shoved me roughly and followed with his fist to my nose. I collapsed to the ground, blood bubbling past my lips, still apologizing and sobbing. As he pulled his foot back and braced himself on the counter I curled into a fetal position and covered my head with my frail arms. I don't know how long he kicked and hit and screamed but I just laid there.

I thought he got tired, I thought he had stopped, I uncurled and got up. I turned to look for him and there he was with a knife in his hand. I ran. He beat me to the door and blocked any exit I had on this level, so I ran up. I tried opening the windows but they were all nailed shut because he had thought that be safer, no one could get in. I heard him coming, taunting me with those three little words that I was always so desperate for, I dashed to the bathroom and locked the door. It didn't do much to stop him.

He kicked the door in, I scream.

_________________________________________________

The next thing I know I'm waking up in a hospital bed with him beside me. I tried to get up and run but I was attached to so many things. I started pulling out all the tubes and wires causing the machines to start screaming. People were rushing in and trying to restrain me and he just stood there. He knew what was about to happen, they'd get me calmed down then ask me what happened. He also knew this time I wouldn't lie. This time I'd tell them what he did, and I would. I'd tell them to get James out of my room and ask to talk to the police, or I would have if I wasn't paralyzed with fear and Devon hadn't burst in and started shouting.

Turns out that James keeping me locked up in the house was a good thing. Since I was never allowed to leave without him, and he rarely wanted to go out with me, I was never able to make him my emergency contact. It also meant Devon and Karla were still the only people listed as my medical contacts. So James couldn't make any decisions for me and Devon was notified the minute I was brought in. James was arrested and is still in prison. It took the jury and the judge all of 10 minutes looking at my bruised, battered and malnourished body to decided that James was guilty.

I was finally free.

**_*6 Months Later*_ **

I was finally healing and back on the right track. I thought I was going to have to beg Karla for my job back, but the minute I walked into the Cafe I was engulfed in the biggest, warmest hug I had ever remembered receiving. I didn't even have to ask her, she handed me an apron and told me to start baking the afternoon pastries. Devon stayed with me for a month after I got out of the hospital. He was afraid I'd try something drastic or James might get out early and come back. When he finally left he made me swear to call him at least once a day. Everything was better. Most of the cuts and bruises had disappeared, and I was on my way back to a normal healthy weight. I repainted, refurnished and fixed up the house to rid myself of any reminders. I got a whole new wardrobe, called Bobby and even went to visit him.

I started calling Sam again, every day. Then, one day, Sam didn't answer, and the next night Dean shows up on my doorstep, completely wasted.

There was a knock at my door, which was odd considering it was after midnight. For half a second, I thought it might be James, but the only time I saw him now was in my nightmares. I cautiously made my way to the front door, grabbing my pistol on the way. I had found it hidden under the floorboards when I was remodelling. I slowly unlocked and open the door, and immediately sighed in relief, then got a little angry.

"Dean, what the hell are you doing here?" I couldn't help but let the years of anger and bitterness bleed into my voice.

"Kate? I finally got the right house, thank God! You wouldn't believe how many doors I've knocked on tonight." He was drunk. Drunker than I've ever seen him. "Listen, I know you probably don't want to see me or talk to me or whatever. And you probably, no, you most definitely still hate me. But, I just... I... I need you, okay? I can't do this without you. I tried... but I just can't. I need you to keep me grounded... and keep me from doing all the stupid shit I do and... And... And Dad died... And it's all my fault... And... I just... I just need you... Please... Please?"

Part of me wanted to tell him it was too late, to slam the door in his face. But the other part of me, the bigger louder more controlling part of me, was still in love with Dean Winchester, and although he hadn't said all the things she had wanted to hear, he had said enough. I step through the door wrapping my arms around him. In his drunken state, it took him a minute to realize what was happening, but soon his strong arms were wrapped tightly around me.

After a few seconds of this he broke down in tears. That's when I decided we should move this inside.

"Dean, we should go inside before my neighbours see us." He nodded his head in agreement and cleared his throat, lifting the hem of his shirt sloppily to wipe his face. I made him sit on the couch while I went to the kitchen to get him a glass of water. I was hoping that would be enough to sober him up, at least a little bit.

Making my way back to the living room and pushed the glass into his hands.

"Drink," I said gently, watching him take measured sips.

He was close enough that I could feel the heat of his body. His hand came up to cradle my face, and just like that, I was 17 again, sitting on the tailgate of my truck watching a meteor shower with my best friend. I crumbled, leaning into his hand. His eyes lowered briefly to my lips, and almost without thinking we leaned into each other. It felt like I was finally home. Our mouths only left for the briefest inhalations of breath.

"I'm never leaving you again, I promise." It was silent, a whispered promise against my neck.

"I missed you so much. I know I don't have the right to, I left. I said all those disgusting things to you. I didn't even believe half of them, I just wanted you to let me leave. I _needed_ to say them so that I could leave..." I feel tears begin to sting my eyes. Dean placed his finger under my chin, lifting my face to meet his eyes.

"None of this is your fault, you got me? This is all me. I'm the idiot that screwed up." He looked so broken. I hated it when he looked like that and it gutted me that I was the one to cause it. "Stop it, I'm not broken, and even if I was, you didn't cause it."

There was a warmth in my chest. The achingly familiar warmth of being seen and known. A warmth I'd only ever truly, fully felt with Dean. I could feel my body vibrating, and some part of my tired brain concluded that I had started sobbing. The next parts are a bit of a blur. I remember Dean bringing me further into his embrace, cradling me in his arms. I think he might have been whispering something into my hair, but I don't quite remember. I let the sobs rip through me, unleashing years of bottled up emotions, and ruining Dean's shirt.

At some point I must have passed out, my body exhausted from unloading the trauma. I awoke still cradled in Dean's arms, our bodies completely entangled on the couch. I laid there for a minute, just staring at him. Part of me still trying to process that he was here, that we were going to try and make it work. Truthfully, I was still trying to wrap my head around his words. His insistence that I didn't cause this, that it wasn't all my fault. I stood up, leaving the warmth of Dean's embrace.

I started pacing the hall, half in a panic. There was a voice in the back of my head filling me with things I knew were lies. Or at least that I desperately wanted to believe they were lies. The voice, which sounded a little too similar to James', kept repeating its rhetoric of _this is a trick,_ and _he's lying about not blaming you for his pain._ I didn't want to believe it, but how could I not.

To my credit, my panicked pacing only lasted for an hour, before I managed to calm myself down. Looking at the clock it was still pretty early in the morning, and my body was still overwhelmed from tonight's barrage of emotions. I started towards my bedroom but was halted by the sound of Dean snorting in his sleep. I stood in the doorway of the living room, debating. I knew I couldn't leave him to sleep on that couch, I'd done it myself enough times to know how painful it would be for him in the morning. My inner monologue began debating with itself. In the end, the part of me that craved the warmth Dean brought me, both emotionally and physically, won out.

I moved to the couch, kneeling by Dean's head. I took a moment to just stare. I knew it was a tad creepy, but there was a part of me that was scared he wouldn't be here when I woke up. That part of my psyche wanted to catalogue all the changes in his appearance so that when we looked back on this moment we would see Dean as he is now and not as the heartbroken 18-year-old we had been picturing for the last ten years. When I felt I had memorized enough, I placed my hand gently on his shoulder nudging him awake.

 _"hrmph,_ " he groaned. "Kate? What time is it?" He stretched sitting up and looked at his watch.

"Early morning. I figured I'd save you the sore back and give you the option to join me in sleeping on a far more comfortable bed." I held my hand out to him as I said this. To my delight and surprise, he took it. He stood up, using the hand he was still holding to pull me into his chest.

"That sounds like a perfect end to a night. A comfortable night's sleep with my favourite gal curled up next to me." He smiled down at me, then kissed the top of my head. "Lead the way."

______________________________________________________

**_"_ ** **_Aruba, Jamaica, ooh I want to take ya,_**

**_Bermuda, Bahama, come on pretty mama,_ **

**_Key Largo, Montego, baby why don't we go, Jamaica._ **

**_Off the Florida Keys, there's a place called Kokomo  
That's where you want to go to get away from it all  
Bodies in the sand, tropical drink melting in your hand  
We'll be falling in love to the rhythm of a steel drum band  
Down in Kokomo"_ **

"The Beach Boys? Really?" I laughed in my still half asleep state, not fully registering what was going on.

"Shut up, you like the Beach Boys and you know..." My brain cut itself off mid-sentence, abruptly cluing into a far more important fact than Dean's secret love of the Beach Boys. I rolled over coming face to face with him. "You’re here." My voice shakier than I would have liked it.

"Where else would I be?" Dean's face contorted into a look of confusion.

"I don't know... I just... I expected last night to be a dream, or to wake up and find out that you had left in the middle of the night, leaving nothing but a note that said 'see ya when I see ya'..." My voice trailed off and I could feel the beginnings of panic settling in my chest. It must have shown on my face because he moved closer. He brought his arm around me and pulled me into his chest.

"You thought I'd leave? Even after last night?" He was clearly upset with this information, but he continued to hold me. His hand began to move along my back in a soothing motion.

"It's just... that seems to be our pattern... We say a bunch of stuff and I feel like we're finally going to get our happy ending, and then one of us screws up or leaves." I was staring at his chest because I knew I couldn't handle looking into his eyes. Not right now, while I was still trying to understand what was going on. I mean, Dean was still here. In a move reminiscent of last night, he put a finger under my chin and lifted it so that he could look into my eyes.

"Hey, I'm not going anywhere. Actually, that's not true... I'm eventually going to have to go back or Bobby and Sam might notice. But, I swear to you, this time it's going to be different." And I believed him even with the small voice in the back of my mind screaming at me, that something was wrong. I ignored the voice and snuggled into Dean's chest, allowing his warmth to comfort the remaining panic. It was peaceful and perfect, the two of us wrapped up in each other. So, of course, my stomach had to go and ruin the moment by growling.

"How 'bout I make us some bacon and pancakes?" Dean chuckled, releasing his grip on me.

"Hmmm... That would be delicious, if I had bacon." He looked completely betrayed.

"Why don't you have bacon?"

"Because it's greasy and bad for you." I'm actually surprised that I got that out without cracking.

"Please tell me your joking and that Sam hasn't infected you with his healthy, rabbit eating ways." He was totally serious, too. I mean going by the look on his face, he was genuinely concerned.

"I'm kidding. The real reason I don't have bacon is that my friend, Devon, is trying to get me to eat better, and he was supposed to come over today. Actually, now that I'm thinking about it, I might have one emergency package hidden at the very back of my freezer." and at the word emergency package he was up and out the door. I however took my time to stretch and fully wake up. I also took a minute to allow myself to process that Dean was still here, and was currently cooking me breakfast.

When I finally made my way to the kitchen I was treated to the sight of Dean standing at the island in nothing but his boxers. He was humming along to the 80's play-list on my iPod, as he mixed pancake batter. I just stood there for a little while, watching him and thinking that I could get used to this, which is when reality set in. Sure it would be like this for a little while, but then Dean would go back on the road with Sam and everything would go to hell.

"Stop it." Dean's voice startled me out of my thoughts.

"Stop what?" I was generally confused by his comment. As far as I knew I hadn't even done anything. He came over to me and put his hand under my chin, a move that was starting to get a tad repetitive.

"Thinking about every bad case scenario, every bad what if, every doubt you have. I told you, this time is different. This time no one is leaving anyone. Got it?" All I could do was nod my head. He leaned down and captured my lips in a kiss, wrapping his arms around my waist. I put my own arms around his neck, fiddling with the bit of hair at his nape. Dean began to deepen the kiss but before we could get any further, the doorbell rang. He groaned against my lips before pulling away slightly.

"I'll go get that, you go finish making my breakfast." I gave him a quick peck on the lips before turning and making my way to the front door. Unfortunately, it only occurred to me as I was opening the door that all I was wearing was Dean's t-shirt that I had stolen last night when we'd gone to bed. Of course, with my luck, it was Devon on the other side of the door. He just stood there for a solid minute staring at me.

"Devon, what are you doing here?" Even though the two of us had a bit of an open-door policy, especially after James, he usually didn't just show up randomly. At the very least he would text or call before showing up.

"uh... um..." He cleared his throat, "We... Uh... we had plans remember?" Oh damn! I totally forgot about that. Oops...

"Um..." Now I feel like a dick.

"You, totally forgot didn't you?"

"Yes, but I have a totally good reason-"

"Kate, who's at the door?" I could hear Dean making his way to the front door. He wrapped his arm around my waist, the way he did when we were younger and he'd felt like he had to stake a claim in front of whatever idiot had tried hitting on me. He knew those idiots had no chance, but he still felt like he needed to stake the claim. Some sort of Alpha male bullshit that I had begrudgingly accepted simply because Dean would usually end up keeping his arms around me for the rest of our outing.

"Dean, this is my friend that I was telling you about, Devon." Dean just stood there staring him down, so I nudged him softly in the ribs. Okay, maybe it wasn't as soft as I intended if his small grunt of pain and quick fleeting glare were anything to go by but at least it got him to hold his hand out and introduce himself.

"Devon, was it?" Alright, so far so good, they're shaking hands, maybe a little bit too tightly but otherwise everything is fine.

"Dean, was it?" Devon got this look in his eye that I couldn't quite discern.

"Yeah, Kate's boyfriend. We've actually known each other since we were kids. Grew up together and whatnot." There seemed to be a tension growing between them, one that was quickly making me uncomfortable.

"You know what, I just realized I'm not wearing pants, so I'm going to go change. Devon, why don't you come inside? Dean and I were just about to have breakfast." I left before either of them could actually say anything. Closing the door to my room, I leaned against it, wondering just how to deal with this. I could go outside and pretend like everything's completely normal. I could go outside and kick one of them out or maybe I'll just climb out the window and hide out at Karla's. As much as I'd like to have escaped out the window, my conscious reminded me that Dean and I had promised no more running. When I walked back into the kitchen they were both sitting at the island just glaring at each other. Dean of course was still in his boxers and would probably remain that way until Devon left. Looking between the two of them I realized there really was only one option.

"Hey, Devon, sorry to do this but a friend of my dad's just called me. Apparently, Dad had a bit of a health scare but is refusing to call me, so I'm going to have to head down there for a little bit to check up on him and make sure he's alright." God, I hate lying. _But can it really be_ _considered lying? I mean you were planning on going down to Bobby's this weekend._

"That's alright, we can just reschedule when your back in town." I smiled and nodded, leading him to the front door with promises of calling him when I got back.

"Is Bobby alright?" The sudden appearance of Dean startled me. I whipped around a small yelp escaping past my lips.

"Sorry, didn't mean to startle you." Dean raised his hands in a placating matter. This is when I realized my hands were not only balled into fists but half raised as if I was about to hit him. I took a couple of calming breaths and relaxed my posture.

"Bobby's fine, or at least I think he is... he hasn't called in a few days and I was planning on going up there this weekend to check up on him."

"Wait, so you lied? Why?" Sometimes it's hard to believe Dean's not as stupid as he pretends to be.

"Because the two of you were having a glaring match in my kitchen. Now hurry up and get dressed, it's a six-hour drive from here to Sioux Falls and I'd like to get there before supper." I gripped his shoulders, spinning him around and sent him on his way. An hour later we were on our way. Of course, we didn't tell Bobby that we were back together. I came up with a lie about me running into Dean at the gas station, my car crapping out and Dean offering to drive me to Sioux Falls, mostly because I broke down into a fit of sobs. Surprisingly Bobby bought it, or I tricked myself into believing he bought it.

We spent the next year seeing each other mostly when Sam and Dean were near Kansas, or I was visiting Dad or house-sitting for him. It was almost perfect, and I was close to admitting that Dean might have been right. We might finally get it right, or at least that's what I was thinking before I found out the truth behind drunk Dean showing up on my doorstep a year ago.

***Present Day***

Of course, I didn't tell Sam any of this. It was hard enough just to think of James, I wasn't ready to vocalize what had happened. Instead, I told Sam a highly edited, Spark Notes version of the last 7ish years. All I really told him was that I dated a guy and it ended badly. I didn't even tell Sam his name. I did tell him about the state Dean was in when he showed up at my door. We laughed together as I told him about Dean and Devon's non-verbal pissing match, and he held my hand as I told him how I believed myself to be living an almost perfect life up until about a week ago.

"But why'd you stop calling me?" After everything I told him, that seemed to be the only question Sam had. I couldn't blame him for it either. I'd been beating myself up about this particular failing for a while because I couldn't blame this one on James. Truthfully I had stopped calling Sam before things got bad, and I wasn't really sure of why I had done it.

"I don't really know. I think... I think some part of me wanted to be normal, that part of me that didn't want to be a hunter, or the sad broken girl still in love with a boy who couldn't love her back. It just wanted to be Kate, who lived in Lawrence and worked at a café and was normal, happy even. Unfortunately, that meant cutting certain things and people out of my life. I never stopped caring about you, but each phone call chipped away at the façade of happiness, and eventually, I had to choose between you and the lie. I was in a bad place then, not that it excuses my actions." I couldn't look at Sam, my guilt eating away at me.

"I guess I understand. I mean, I don't really have much of a leg to stand on. If you remember, I ran away and turned my back on this life, too." He grabbed my hand as he said this, getting me to finally look up at him.

"Yeah, and look at how well that's worked out for us. Dragged right back into it by Dean." I joked, trying to break the tension of the moment. I was awarded a small smile for my efforts.

"He does appear to be our weak spot, doesn't he. Neither one of us has ever been good at saying no to him or staying mad at him." Sam looked away and seemed to lose himself in his thoughts.

"If it makes you feel better, I have a hard time saying no to you, too. Although, that's probably got more to do with me still seeing you as baby Sammy." I nudged his shoulder, eliciting a soft chuckle out of him.

"I'm not sure it makes me feel better hearing that." He nudged my shoulder back and we fell into a companionable silence. I laid my head on his shoulder and sighed.

"Tell me it'll all work out," I whispered, breaking the peaceful silence.

"Kate," There's a hint of sadness in his voice.

"Please. I know the odds, but right now I just want to hope. Let me hope, Sammy." He gripped my hand tighter.

"It'll all work out, we're the Winchesters. It always works out for us."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone asks, this chapter was really posted yesterday on Sunday..
> 
> Sorry everyone haha we're still getting used to this schedule.
> 
> This chapter has changed the most from a few years ago and we are really proud of it. 
> 
> See y'all Wednesday!


	4. Goodbyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I let Sam go... said goodbye, told him I wasn't gonna call anymore... I told him to move on... go back to school, meet a nice girl... To have the life he always wanted... I think... I think it's time I do, too."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is a little short but, boy, is there angst.
> 
> Sorry for the feels.

"Sammy... Look, it's been a month... Can you please just call me back? I just want to know that you're alive.”

"Hey Sam, just checking in, again. I know you're not going to call me back but... You’re not the only one who lost him... It's been two months and it's starting to feel like I’ve lost you, too, I mean, I know you’re still alive because of you’re listening to and deleting these messages. Just, please, all I need is one phone call."

"Hey Sammy, it's me again... I went to visit him today... I felt like one of those idiots on TV... The ones who sit and talk to their dead loved ones as if they can hear them... I miss him so much... And you... It's been three months and I don't think I'll ever get over him... What am I doing... You probably don't even care... I mean if you cared, you would have at least answered my calls or call me back... You know, like I did when I left... I, too, was in a state of emotional crisis but I still managed to answer your calls..."

"Sam... It's me... I'm just calling to say, that... well, that I won't be calling anymore... It looks like you've given up on both your brother and me... So, I'm letting you go. I hope that you can move on and finally have the normal life we always wanted. Go to Law school, meet a nice girl... Forget about all this stuff. It's alright if you do. He'd understand, hell, he'd encourage it. And, if it's not too much to ask... maybe just a card at Christmas, so that we know you’re alive and well. So... I guess this is goodbye... for good. You know... It's funny, of all the people in my life... you're the one that's always been there... every time I needed you... and now... when I need you most... That's when you decide to disappear. I always thought that no matter what happened with me and Dean or Bobby or whoever, that you'd always be there. We're supposed to be the 2 musketeers, sticking together through our crappy lives, giving each other support... but I guess you grew up without me and decided to move on completely... It's okay... I'll get by... I always do... I just have one more favour to ask... Don't forget him... Move on, forget about monsters and demons... but never forget the boy who tried to protect us by pushing us away... the one who always put our lives before his own... Who'd do anything we asked because he loved us more than living... even when we asked him to go... Don't forget him... I guess I've stalled long enough... Goodbye, Sammy..."

" **Hey, this is Dean, I'm probably doing something stupid, so leave a message and if I live I'll try and call you back"**

**"BEEEEP!"**

**"** Hey... it's day 10 without you... Sammy's still not answering my calls... I just hope he's okay... I've spent a lot of time at your grave... It just... it doesn't seem real... It was so different when I ran away because I knew that at any moment, I could see you again... but now... there's no chance of accidentally running into you at Bobby's or some random motel... You’re gone, gone... I feel like it's my fault... I mean, the only people that I’ve loved who aren’t dead is Sammy and Bobby... Well... I don't actually know about Sam... I wish... I don't even know what I wish... Sometimes... when I'm about to go to bed... It feels like your there... when I close my eyes I can almost feel your arm wrap around my waist... I miss you so much..."

"Hey, this is... day 30 without you... I think... I may or may not be either hungover or still a little drunk from last night... I got so drunk that I almost let a demon kill me just to put me out of my misery... Sam is still not answering my calls... What am I doing... Visiting your grave, paying for your phone so I can keep calling into the voice mail... I'm pathetic... and alone... I should just go back... but I can't... I can't go back to that house anymore... there are just too many bad memories haunting it now. I think I miss you more, if that's possible..."

"Hey... so, I've lost track of what day this is... lost track of what month it is... for all I know it could already be the one year anniversary of your death... that's a lie, I know exactly how many months it's been... I think I put a guy in the hospital last night... I don't actually know because I left before the cops got there... I don't even know why I did it... another lie, I know exactly why I did it. It's because I was angry and hurting and he looked like a combination of everyone I was mad at... I let Sam go... said goodbye, told him I wasn't gonna call anymore... I told him to move on... go back to school, meet a nice girl... To have the life he always wanted... I think... I think it's time I do, too... I'm going to visit your grave one last time and then I'm gone... I think I'm going to go to New York... I always did want to see the Big Apple. That means this is the last message I leave you. I just want you to know, I love you... and that I forgive you... for everything... Goodbye, Dean."


	5. Somethings Wrong

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I wake on the cement outside a motel. My head is killing me and my bones feel like they’re filled with lead. It takes me a while to peel myself off the sidewalk and stand up. I don't remember how I got here. I remember sitting at Dean's grave, thinking about whether I should just end it or not. Then… nothing, except I do remember the dream world. I wonder how I got here. I don't see my car, as I scan the mostly empty parking lot. In my dazed confusion, I almost missed the black Impala parked a few spots down from where I was standing. Of all the parking lots in the world I could have woken up in, I just happen to wake up in the one with a familiar-looking black Impala. Good thing I don't believe in coincidences.

**Chapter 5: Somethings Wrong**

Something wasn't right. All my limbs were attached, nothing felt broken or bruised. Nothing looked wrong, but something was off. I could feel it.

"Kate! Get your ass out of bed! Dean's going to be here any minute." Oh, that must be the source of the ‘off’ feeling, I'd forgotten that Dean was taking me on some big date this morning. The voice in the back of my mind swore there was something else, but I couldn't figure it out. It was probably just someone's birthday or my parent's anniversary. I'm horrible at remembering dates of things. I thank my lucky stars every day that I have Gabie at the bakery or else I'd have a lot of angry customers and there’d be a lot of cake-less weddings.

I ran down the stairs, one shoe on and the other almost there. Running through the kitchen, I grabbed a piece of toast off Mom's plate, kissing her and Dad on the cheek before heading out the front door. I ran down the stairs, jumping into Dean's arms and kissed him. As we pulled apart, he gave me that stupid grin. The one that says I've got a secret and I'm not going to tell you. It stretches nearly from ear to ear, lighting up his face and causing his eyes to twinkle with mischief.

"Well, hello to you, too." His grin softens into a true smile. The type that's rare to see, unless, of course, you’re me or Sammy.

"I'm buttering you up, so you'll tell me where we're going." I give him what he's deemed _'the look',_ something I've perfected over the past 6 years we've been together. It works 9 out of 10 times. Unfortunately, today would-be time 10.

"It's a surprise, one I plan on keeping." I pout as I reluctantly get in the Impala, completely uninformed of where we are going. "Cheer up, I promise you'll love it."

We drove for roughly an hour, the entire time I was caught up in my own thoughts. I still had this nagging feeling I was forgetting something and it felt like the big type of something.

"Kate." I was startled by the sound of Dean calling me, accompanied by his hand gripping my shoulder. I realized the car had stopped and he must have been trying to get my attention.

"Sorry, I just keep feeling like I'm forgetting something."

"Well, that's nothing new." He laughed as we got out of the car.

"Hey!" I chuckled, getting out and coming around the car to stand beside him. "Is there a reason we came to an empty field?" I turned to look out at the seemingly endless stretch of grass.

"See, you don't remember anything. This is where we had our first real date." I remember it now. Dean had just gotten his license and so we drove out here and spent the entire night lying on a picnic blanket and watching the stars.

"I do remember- oh." I turned around to see Dean down on one knee.

"Is that a good oh or a bad oh? Cause if it's a good one I'll keep going but if it's a bad one I'll stand up and we can pretend-" I didn't let him finish. I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him.

"Yes." It was barely a whisper. "Yes," I said slightly stronger than before. I kept saying it till I was practically shouting at him.

"You didn't let me finish! I didn't even get to the actual question!" I laughed and pulled him in for another kiss.

"Dean, does it really matter? My answer isn't going to change." He sighed in defeat and pulled the ring out of the box sliding it on my finger. I stared at it, wondering if now was the time to tell him. I mean what better time to tell your boyfr- _fiancé_ , that your pregnant than when he asks you to spend forever with him. "Dean, there's something I have to tell you." I look him in the eye, and he looks terrified. It's a look I swear I've never seen before but, it just looks so familiar. He looked like a broken boy but Dean has never been broken. He grew up in a stable home with loving parents, the most adorable little brother ever. That feeling of something not being right and I was forgetting something huge hit me again. What was I forgetting and why does the look he's giving me suddenly feel so familiar?

"I'm sorry." What does he mean? Why is he sorry, what did he do?

"Dean – I – I don't understand. What's going on? Why are you sorry?" He doesn't respond, just stands there. Everything tilts, and the world goes black.

I dream of a different life, one filled with sadness and monsters, ghosts and demons. I see myself go from a small child abandoned by her father on her Uncles front porch, to a scared and heartbroken teenage girl running away from home, to a broken, shadow version of myself, to a strong independent woman. I watch as my relationship with Dean goes back and forth between love and hate. Then I hear him say it again. I'm sorry. The tragic, scared look in his eyes, as the weight of his decision finally breaks him down, as he truly realizes what he's done. The last time I saw him, truly saw him, no hiding his emotions behind invisible walls, no being brave, no cockiness or arrogance. That's the first thing that the scared little boy said to the scared little girl and it's the last thing he'd say to her as an adult. This is what I was forgetting, the truth, the real world. The world where Dean is dead, Sam has disappeared and all I want is to give up but I know that I can't. And this is where I make my choice.

Do I wake up or do I stay in this dreamland?

* * *

I wake on the cement outside a motel. My head is killing me and my bones feel like they’re filled with lead. It takes me a while to peel myself off the sidewalk and stand up. I don't remember how I got here. I remember sitting at Dean's grave, thinking about whether I should just end it or not. Then… nothing, except I do remember the dream world. I wonder how I got here. I don't see my car, as I scan the mostly empty parking lot. In my dazed confusion, I almost missed the black Impala parked a few spots down from where I was standing. Of all the parking lots in the world I could have woken up in, I just happen to wake up in the one with a familiar-looking black Impala. Good thing I don't believe in coincidences.

I walk to the 'lobby', if you could even call the square, poorly lit room a lobby. A greasy looking… while the best way to describe him is a sleaze ball, with slicked-back black hair, a tracksuit and an array of gold chains on. I checked my pockets and to my luck discovered that I still had all my personal possessions, including a wallet with a picture of Sam and Dean in it.

"What can I do for you, _sweetheart_?" The way he says sweetheart makes me want to vomit, and the way he looks at me makes me feel violated. I repress a shudder before putting on my best law enforcement voice.

"I'm looking for this man. Have you seen him?" I hold up the picture of Sam and Dean, pointing to Sam.

"And what if I had? What's in it for me?" Like I said, sleaze ball. I reach in my back pocket and pull out my 'badge'.

"You get to stay out of jail." Although, from the look of this guy I'd assume he's one bad decision away from that happening anyway.

"The second floor, turn left, end of the hall." He looks away disinterested. Good, the last thing I need is him following me.

"Thanks for your cooperation." I get out of there as fast as I can.

I feel nervous, a pit beginning to form in my stomach. It's been months since I'd last seen Sam. I'm afraid of what’s going to happen when I see him. I want to be brave and strong but I think I might collapse. Having been sober for the last 2 months, I’m feeling everything that I would have suppressed with some Jack Daniels and I don't think I can hold on much longer.

I stand in front of what the desk clerk told me was Sam's door, raising my hand to knock. I must do this, neither of us should be alone. My hand falls against the door three times. I stand and wait, counting the seconds until the door opens. 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... The door opens and there he is. After months of searching, I finally found him.

"Sam." I try to stop the tears but it's too late. I probably look ridiculous, now that I think about it, with my disheveled hair, my ruffed-up clothes and my tear struck face. He probably doesn't even recognize me.

"Kate? How did you find me?" He doesn't seem completely surprised by my sudden appearance, and I get the vibe that he thinks he knows how I found him.

"Would you believe me if I told you I passed out at Dean's grave, had this weird dream hallucination, and woke up about 10 minutes ago on the ground in the parking lot?" That was not the answer he was expecting, but then again, I wasn't expecting what happened next.

"Kate." Two voices echo from inside the room. Two awfully familiar voices.

I push past Sam into the room and freeze. Standing by the bed is Bobby, and -

"No. NO! I buried you! I –" I can't finish, because as much as I deny what I'm seeing, he is really there. Dean is alive.

"Well, that's a better response than I thought I was going to get." I hear him say as I turn and bolt out the door. I can’t deal with this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So both me and my beta have had a busy couple of days and are so sorry we missed posting on Sunday and Wednesday. As an apology we're posting Chapter 5 & 6 today!


	6. Over Thinking

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Against my better judgement, my brain wanders to the night Dean showed up on my doorstep in Lawrence and that day in the clearing behind Bobby's house. I start to fiddle with the protection charm around my neck as I contemplate whether Dean was serious or not. Did he mean all that stuff about picket fences and kids? A lot has happened since those declarations. What if hell changed him? What if… What if he doesn't even want me anymore?

**Chapter 6: Over Thinking**

There was a war waging inside of me. Part of me wanted to go back to the motel and confront… I don't even know who I'd be confronting at this point. Sam, for leaving me to grieve alone. Bobby, for keeping god knows how many secrets from me. Dean. Dean's alive. How long has he been alive? How long have the other two known he was alive? Is that why Sam stopped calling? So many questions, and too much anger and distrust to go looking for answers.

I so badly wanted to down a bottle of Jack and just forget everything, but I'd already done enough damage to the little thing inside me. I'm lucky it's even still alive after some of the things I did in those first few weeks after Dean died. The booze, the fighting, the demons. There is no doubt this little dude was mine and Dean's kid, if it survived all that. My hand had found a permanent spot on my stomach since the moment I ran out of that motel. Luckily for me, the bump I've began sporting is still easily hidden under a baggy sweater, or they might have run after me instead of letting me have some space to process. Or at least that’s what I think they’re doing. _‘For all you know, they’re happy you didn’t stick around. I mean, if they actually wanted you around wouldn’t they have called you the minute Dean came back?’_ I really hate how my inner voice always sounds like that stupid 18-year-old who ran away. _“Hey, I may have been the one to run away first, but you’re the one who kept running. I mean, you literally just ran away, again.’_ You know what inner voice, I’m not talking to you anymore. 

"Well, I guess I'll just have to talk to you about all my woes now." I rubbed my belly affectionately as I laid down in the grass of the clearing. "The way I see it I really only have two options. Go back and find out how these idiots fucked up now, or leave and hope they never come looking for me… Who am I kidding, can I really just leave and start over? I'm decision-making for two now, and I don't want my kid growing up as fucked up as I did. You hear me, little dude? You're going to be surrounded by people who love you and would anything for you.”

I pulled my cell out of my pocket, finger hesitating on the speed dial. "Who's most likely not going to ask questions? I guess the better question would be who would ask the least, ‘cause lord knows all three of them are noisier than a Grandma at a church luncheon." My finger hesitated to dial "Your dad's automatically out due to so, so many reasons. So, it's down to Sammy or Grandpop? Pops? Gramps? We'll workshop names later." Really the choice was already made, I was just delaying the inevitable. I hit speed dial 1 and listened to it ring.

" This is Bobby Singer's direct hotline. You should not have this number." Great, the one time I actually want him to answer on the first call and he doesn't. The question now is, do I try again, or do I just phone Sam? Or do I avoid awkward phone conversations altogether and just try and walk back to the motel?

I was already on my feet by the time the last thought flittered through my brain. Tonight, was proving to be a night of overthinking decisions I had already made. The motel was only a few miles away, and it's not like I didn't know how to protect myself. Not to mention it's a lot easier to conceal weapons with a baggy sweater.

I needed the time to think about what I was going to say. Do I start asking questions, or do I blindside them with the pregnancy and hope that it throws them as much as Dean being alive threw me. However, if I do tell them about the pregnancy, they're going to get ridiculously overprotective immediately and probably won't tell me how or why Dean's back. Do I even really care about the how or why? Dean's back, and we're having a baby.

I stop dead in my tracks. Dean's alive and we're having a baby. Dean's alive and we're having a baby. No matter how many time's I said it in my head it didn't seem real. It seemed like some sort of… dream. Like the dream, I was having just before I woke up in the parking lot of that motel. What if this is another dream? What if I'm trapped in some sort of dream realm and that's why Sam stopped calling? What if I'm not even pregnant?

My hands shot to my belly and cradled it protectively. No, my little dude was real. The retching at all hours of the day, or not being able to eat bacon because the smell made me want to hurl, combined with backaches that were already starting were all the proof I needed. This was real, that was probably the one thing I was certain of. My little future ass-kicker, who had miraculously survived the shit I put it through during those first two months before I knew they existed.

"Come on, Singer! You need to stop following these paranoid lines of thought and just come up with a game plan already!" I was tempted to slap myself but realized I probably already looked crazy enough, don't need to add self-harm to the list. I was right though; I need a plan for when I get to the motel. My best course of action is to figure out how Dean is back, then depending on how fucked those idiots are, pull Dean aside and tell him about the tiny ass-kicker. That was the one thing I was certain of. Dean needs to know before I tell the other two. If I tell him at the same time as Sam and Bobby, he might pretend to want it, and I need to know if he's really in this. All in, because committing to a relationship is one thing, raising a tiny human is a whole different ball game.

Against my better judgement, my brain wanders to the night Dean showed up on my doorstep in Lawrence and that day in the clearing behind Bobby's house. I start to fiddle with the protection charm around my neck as I contemplate whether Dean was serious or not. Did he mean all that stuff about picket fences and kids? A lot has happened since those declarations. What if hell changed him? What if… What if he doesn't even want me anymore?

As that last awful thought crept through my mind, I realized I had finally arrived at the motel. I did my standard glance over the parking lot, a habit I had never really been able to break after leaving home the first time. However, instead of informing me of any threats, all this little motion of neck and eyes did was fan the flames of my own fears. Life's got a funny way of kicking you back down when you just stood up.

The Impala was no longer in the motel parking lot.


	7. Crossroads

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's at this moment in time that I come to realize two things. The first being that I had no idea where I was, and the second obstacle was my apparent lack of a vehicle. "Hitchhiking it is then," I whispered to myself. "Just another shitty thing to add to this crap pile of 48 hours."

**Chapter 7: Crossroads**

I was at a crossroads, literally, I was sitting on the curb of a crossroads. My life couldn't be more a mess. After discovering that the Boy's and my Dad had left the motel without even a text I had a whole new list of problems and decisions that needed to be dealt with. _'Is any of this really a hard decision or are you just dragging it out?'_ And now I'm fighting with myself, _again_. Just another thing to add to the list of ways my life is going to crap. Not that my inner voice was wrong. It was a decision that I had come to two months ago when I'd realized I was pregnant.

As a kid who grew up in this life, and watched the man I loved die doing this, I knew it was no place for a child. And up until last night, I was ready to tell my dad exactly that. But now, it wasn't just Bobby I had to reveal the pregnancy too, and it wasn't really just my choice about how this child gets raised. _'You could just leave, no one else knows you're pregnant.'_ No, absolutely not. I couldn't do that to Dean. _‘The same Dean you thought was dead, but is apparently alive? I wonder how long he's been back and didn't even try calling you?'_ It couldn't have been long, even if Sam wouldn't have called me, Bobby definitely would have. _'Are you sure about that? Bobby knew about your father and never told you. Who knows what else Bobby's been keeping from you over the years?’_ Stop, we are so not going down that road again. Bobby is the only family we have left. _'Well, that's not quite true either is it?'_ I rested my hand on my stomach. Could I really not tell Dean? After everything, we'd been through? After the way, we'd grown up. Could I really do that to my own kid?

"Why so down, Love?" I stood up from the ground, grabbing my knife out of my boot and pressing it to the stomach of what appeared to be a man. He seemed mostly calm; however, his eyes did flicker towards the knife pressed against his stomach.

"Who are you and how did you find me?" I was always careful about not being traceable by anyone, not even supernatural creatures.

"I'd be careful where you point that blade, Darling, wouldn't want anyone to get harmed accidentally." He takes a step back as he says this, putting some distance between us. "My identity has no bearing on this conversation. I'm here about you, and your little spawn." He gestures towards my midriff. "You see, the two of you have the potential to play quite a big role in the coming war, depending on which side you choose."

"What war? Who do you work for?" My arm begins to drop as the man backs away from me, my exhausted mind trying to keep up with this strange Scottish man. He begins to circle me, his eyes roaming between me and the parking lot.

"My boss isn't quite happy with your beau's escape from Hell. However, we all have a role in this little drama. Everything is 'predetermined' and all that." He stops now face to face with me once more. "However, the one role neither side can figure out is yours. From what we were told of the coming days you and your little 'problem' were nowhere to be found, then suddenly two days ago you're all over this little story. It's quite the curious thing, seeing as these stories have been predetermined for millennia. So, you can understand why management is so _interested_ in you and your blue stick special." He goes to place a hand on my stomach, and I smack it away taking a wide step back.

"What the _HELL_ are you talking about!" I raise my arm once more, this time putting my knife to his throat. "Look I don't know or care about you, your boss or this so-called _'predetermined'_ story you're babbling about. As for me and my _BABY,_ if you or any other demon come near us-"

"Yes, yes. I know the _Winchesters_ will avenge you. I'm quaking in my oxfords." I'm interrupted mid sentence as he sneers at me, his voice heavy with contempt and a hint of sarcasm. He glances at the ground, "Seems I have to cut our little tête-à-tête short; I'm being called back to the head office." He sends a wink my way before vanishing.

"What in the actual fuck." I place my knife back into my boot and rip my phone out of my pocket. My fingers tremble as I navigate my speed-dial. Holding it to my ear I curse at each unanswered ring. "Come on Dad, pick-up." The phone clicks and I hear the beginnings of his voicemail.

"This is Bobby Singer's direct line. You should not have this number."

"GODDAMMIT DAD! THE ONE TIME I WANT YOU TO PICK UP ON THE FIRST RING AND YOU SEND ME TO VOICEMAIL!" I start screeching into the phone. "Look, I just, I'm not even sure if it's safe to talk on the phone, but something bad is going down. Possibly end of the world bad. Meet me at your place when you can. And be careful, there's a chance that demons are tracking us." I slam my phone shut, taking a deep breath in a failed attempt to calm myself.

It's at this moment in time that I come to realize two things. The first being that I had no idea where I was, and the second obstacle was my apparent lack of a vehicle. "Hitchhiking it is then," I whispered to myself. "Just another shitty thing to add to this crap pile of 48 hours."

"I think I can help with your travel problems." I whip around hand going to the smaller pocketknife in my sweater. A stout, middle-aged looking man in a greyish suit is standing in the middle of the road smiling at me. He reaches out in my direction and before I can do anything, he's touching my shoulder. For the second time in 48 hours everything went black.

* * *

Dean and Bobby were sitting in an abandoned warehouse. Waiting for something, anything to happen.

"You sure you did the ritual right?" Dean stupidly questions, as Bobby just glares at him. "Sorry. Touchy, touchy, huh?" As if on cue, a loud rattling shakes the roof. Dean and Bobby arm themselves with shotguns and take positions at the far end of the warehouse.

"Wishful thinking, but maybe it's just the wind?" Dean glances over at Bobby. The door bursts open and a handsome man in a business suit and trench coat stalks in. The light bulbs above his head shatter in a shower of sparks as he passes them. As he approaches, Dean and Bobby both open fire, but the shots don't even slow him down. Dean takes the Demon Blade as the man gets closer.

"Who are you?" Dean growls at the man.

"I'm the one who gripped you tight and raised you from perdition."

"Yeah. Thanks for that." Dean rears back and plunges the Demon Blade into the man's chest. The man looks down, unconcerned, and pulls it out, dropping it to the floor. Behind him, Bobby attacks. Without looking, the man grabs Bobby's weapon and uses it to swing him around. He touches Bobby on the forehead with his fingertips and Bobby crumples to the ground. The man turns to face Dean once more.

"We need to talk, Dean. Alone."


	8. Champagne Eyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Looking up at the man, whatever retort I had died on my tongue when my eyes met his. His eyes were a striking shade of golden similar to my own. Dean use to describe them as champagne coloured, which I’d always roll my eyes at. If there was one thing Dean excelled at it was compliments. I use to pretend to be annoyed by them, but truthfully it was one of the things I missed most about him. He always managed to time them right when I was having a moment of self doubt.

**Chapter 8: Champagne Eyes**

My head was pounding and for the second time in, what I could only assume, was 48 hours I was waking up in a place I didn't recognize. At least this time I was in a comfortable bed. Getting out of the bed, I caught a glimpse of myself in a mirror hanging on the back of what appeared to be a closet door. It took my brain a second to comprehend everything. Whoever had taken me this time, had changed me out of my clothing and into pajamas. That wasn't even the strangest part, the real mind fuck was the choice of pajamas. Dean's old worn-out AC/DC shirt from high school and a pair of pajama shorts with little slices of cherry pie on them. They’d been hidden in an old shoebox in the far back corner of my closet since I'd started dating James. I had honestly forgotten they even existed until now.

This was all too much; I could feel a panic setting in, my brain going into overdrive. I needed fresh air. Doing a quick once over of the bedroom I threw open the first window I came across. Breathing in the cold fresh air the way Bobby had taught me when I was little, take a big breath in and slowly releasing it while counting to ten. As I calmed down my body became more aware, noticing that the air from the window was giving me a chill. I finally looked out the window and a new sense of dread filled me. All I could see was snow and trees, for what seemed like miles. The last time I checked it was late summer, maybe early fall - I'd stopped paying attention to names of months after Dean died, really only paying attention to the number of days it had been. This meant I was either out for a lot longer this time or… or I'd been taken somewhere much farther away this time. Was I even in the U.S anymore? I spun around surveying the rest of the bedroom I'd been placed in, finding it stocked with my things. Literally, all my clothes were placed perfectly in the walk-in closet, hygiene and beauty products in the bathroom, it's like someone was trying to imitate my house.

For a second my brain went to worst-case scenarios. Had James somehow gotten out of prison, was he the one who had taken me? My hand went to my stomach, and I began my breathing exercise again. It couldn't possibly be James, because if he had found me, he would have killed me. He had promised as much when they hauled his ass off to prison and had even sent a few threatening letters with the same message since he'd been locked up. No, whoever had taken me wanted me alive and comfortable. Could it be one of the two strange men I'd encountered at the crossroads? There was really only one way to find out. I steeled myself and opened the bedroom door.

As I made my way out into the hallway, I took stock of my surroundings. Directly across from the doorway was a balcony type space with couches. It overlooked what I assume is the main floor of the… house? Cabin seems more appropriate given the never-ending landscape of trees. Looking out at the main floor, I can see that the wall directly across from me is made of floor to ceiling windows.

There’s a doorway in the middle leading out to a porch that looked like something out of the Home & Garden magazines Karla would always read during the slow spells at work. The more I looked around the more I realized how eerily similar this place looked to a cabin that had been featured in one of those very magazines. A cabin that I had admired, so much so that Karla had given me the magazine. That magazine had been sitting on my coffee table at home, page corners folded down in place of tabs, specific pictures circled in sharpie with little notes beside of which things I thought I could incorporate into my own house. The creep factor of my situation was steadily rising, as was my apparent hunger, if the rumble from my stomach was anything to go by. I made my way to the first floor, my hunger rationalizing that if my kidnapper hadn't shown themselves yet then it was probably safe to find myself a snack at the very least. I'd quickly come to regret that rationale as I reached the bottom of the stairs.

"Finally awake I see." The sudden noise startled me, and I lost my footing, missing the last step, careening forward. I braced for the impact of colliding with the floor but instead collided with a warm chest as arms wrapped around my back. "Whoops, guess I should have started with the regular, _'Be not afraid'_ spiel. Or at the very least waited till you were off the stairs. Wouldn't want you hurting that precious cargo, after all." The chest and arms belonged to something taking the shape of a human man, with dirty blonde hair.

Looking up at the man, whatever retort I had died on my tongue when my eyes met his. His eyes were a striking shade of golden similar to my own. Dean use to describe them as champagne coloured, which I’d always roll my eyes at. If there was one thing Dean excelled at it was compliments. I use to pretend to be annoyed by them, but truthfully it was one of the things I missed most about him. He always managed to time them right when I was having a moment of self doubt.

And now my brain was rambling to itself. Shaking my head to clear my thoughts, I realized I was still in this unknown man's arms. I quickly removed myself from his grip and took a step back. The fact that he let me, and that he had caught me in the first place, caused a sliver of hope to form. _There's a chance we're gonna make it out of this alive, little bean._ My hand returned to its resting place on my stomach.

"Thank you for catching me." I looked at the man again. He seemed familiar like I had met him before. "Who are you?" It came out as almost a whisper, like a thought that had seemed to slip out of my mouth unintentionally.

"Who I am is unimportant for now. I can however tell you that you're safe and that I'm not going to hurt you or your future bundle of joy." He had a smirk on his face as he said this. Actually, he'd had the smirk on since he'd startled me. It was almost as if that was his face's default setting.

"Where am I? Why am I here? Do you work for one of those creeps at the crossroads? Is that why you kidnapped me? Also, what the fuck is up with this place?" My brain started rapid-firing questions at the golden-haired man. It was like a dam had broken, flooding the room with all the questions I'd had since waking up in this place.

"Whoa, slow down there, Touchy. Like I was saying, you're somewhere safe and no I don't work for one of those _'creeps'_ from the other night. Also, I didn't kidnap you I SAVED you from those _'creeps'._ As for why you're here, there’s a war brewing and the angels and demons both want to use you for the same purpose. To force the Winchesters to accept their fate and play their roles." The man's answers were almost as rapid-fire as my questions. But in this last answer, he seems to pause and mull over the question as if even he didn't think it was the right thing to say.

"Actually, now that I think about it, Dad's always had a soft spot for prophesied pregnant women. Maybe that's why I feel the need to protect you. Maybe this is my punishment for existing? Luci is stuck with Hell and I'm stuck being a babysitter." The golden-haired man seemed to lose himself in his own thoughts for a second before shaking it off. "Even if that is true, you're quite different from the last one. She was special but still human. You…" He pauses for a moment getting closer and giving me a once over. "You're not quite human, are you? Part of you is, but part of you is something else. Something that's been well masked by some sort of magic. Witch magic perhaps?" The longer this strange man goes on the more confused and frustrated I get.

"Look, I don't know what you're talking about. I'm just a normal fucking hunter who was dumb enough to get knocked up by her boyfriend before he went and died on her. There's nothing special or non-human about me, Buddy." I push the man away from me and begin towards the kitchen. "Just tell me how long you and your _'Dad'_ plan on keeping me here, and whether or not I'm a prisoner." I start rummaging around the kitchen, my stomach, or really the baby currently growing inside it, demanding substance. "Oh! And if you could tell me how long I've been knocked out that would also be great."

"You weren't exactly knocked out. Think of it more like angelically chloroformed, as for how long you've been asleep, it's been roughly 2 days. Actually, more like 36 hours, and -" My brain stopped listening to the man as it caught up to what he was saying.

"Wait, wait, wait. You just said, _'angelically chloroformed'_ and earlier you said _‘angels’_ and demons wanted me for some sort of plan. Are you seriously trying to tell me you and those creeps from the crossroads were angels? Like, do you really think I'd believe that?" Even I could hear the astounding amount of disbelief laced throughout my voice.

"I'm sorry, you hunt _DEMONS_ and _MONSTERS,_ but you can't believe angels exist? And you think _I'M_ crazy?" He stares back at me with an equal amount of disbelief.

"I'm not saying they don't exist. What I'm saying is I've had enough unanswered prayers and seen enough evil running free in this world to know that even if they existed, they sure as fuck don't give a single shit about the daily goings on of Earth." I was exhausted and my voice betrayed that.

The more I thought about it, the more of what he said seemed to make sense. It would explain the blackouts and the waking up in random places, but why now. Why is this when they decide I needed help? Why not when I was little and being abandoned by the only father I'd ever known? Why not when I witnessed the same thing happen to the Winchester boys the first time John dropped them on Bobby's doorstep? Why not when my ex-boyfriend was beating me to a pulp every damn day? They didn't care about me or my safety then, so why should I care about what they want now. "Look, whoever you are, I realize that for the foreseeable future I'm stuck here with you, but that doesn't mean I have to talk to you. So, as far as I'm concerned, this conversation is over." I move to walk around him, heading back towards the stairs to hide in the bedroom I'd awoken in, hoping he wouldn't follow me.

"We were there, you know, for every prayer. But there's only so much that any of us can do, so many things we can interfere with, without getting into trouble. We did help that night though. Who do you think took you to the hospital after that waste of a soul left you to bleed out on your own kitchen floor? Or told the doctors to contact your friend? Kept the demons from knowing just how important to the storyline you were?" The golden-haired man looked almost sad, as he recounted these supposed angelic interventions. Unfortunately for him, I wasn't buying into his sadness.

"But that's the point, isn't it? You and your people only answered when it was convenient for you or helped this so-called storyline." I turned away from him completely and started ascending the stairs.

"Humans, you always mess things up." He said this mostly to himself, but with a tinge of seemingly genuine sadness to his tone. I turned back, just in time to see him vanish.

"Well, little one, looks like it's just the two of us again," I whispered, as my hand wandered to what seemed to be its new natural resting place on the growing bump. My thoughts turned to Dean and I allowed myself to think of what he might be doing right now. Did Bobby get my message? Did he pass it along to Dean? Were they out there looking for me right now?

All these questions swirled around my head as I made my way to the bedroom. Despite the small flame of hope I had that they were out there looking for me, all I could think of was seeing the 3 of them in that motel room. Not a single one of them thinking it was important to tell me that Dean was alive. I could understand Dean going to Sam first, but for them not to call me at all. For Bobby not to call… Well, it makes me question everything. Every memory, every ‘I love you’ from any of them. Was it truly just me and this baby now? Was I really alone in all of this?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The plot thickens, and I introduce another nameless character. Sorry... not sorry. The next chapter is from Kate's point of view, and then we start what I like to call the odds vs evens. Odd chapters will remain in Kate's POV but even chapters are going to be from Dean's POV. Exciting I know. Also sorry for being late again, my day job is really kicking my ass right now.


	9. An Escape Attempt Worthy of Hansel And Gretel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The feeling disappears and I open my eyes to my worse case scenario.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapters super short so I'm posting two chapters... Yay! I guess...

**Chapter 9: An Escape Attempt Worthy of Hansel And Gretel**

I am well and truly fucked. I spent the first two days in this picturesque hellhole looking for a cell signal, spoiler alert there isn’t one. Normally, I’d just run headfirst into the forest and take my chances with nature but being pregnant really fucks with the way you approach situations. It’s no longer just my life on the line.

So, I formulated a plan. With a little rummaging around I found some hiking gear and some of my hunting gear that I’d hidden in different objects in my house in Lawrence. It seems my captor wasn’t very thorough when stocking the cabin with the stuff he’d stolen from me. Even with the proper gear I wasn’t too keen on just trekking out into the woods, so I did a little recon. I wandered roughly an hour, in a straight-line, leaving trail markers as I went, searching for any sign of life. There was nothing, no tracks, no droppings, nothing. It was eerily still and quiet. If it weren’t for the fact that the weather changed, and I could actually wander into the woods, I would have sworn he’d trapped me in the very magazine I’d seen the cabin in.

Things only got stranger from there. Each day I would walk a little farther into the woods, but even though I knew I was walking further and further away from the Cabin, it felt like I was getting nowhere. It took me a week of working my way farther and farther into the woods before I began to feel a change in the air of the forest. It felt like I was getting too close to something, almost like an invisible force field. Considering who had taken me and all the other weird shit happening recently, it wouldn’t surprise me if there really was some sort of spell or something keeping me here. I guess I’ll find out the answer when I cross it in roughly 24 hours.

Now that I’ve seen that the woods really are immense, and that as far as I can tell there’s nothing that’s going to attack me, I’ve begun finalizing my escape plans. I’ll need to only pack the essentials, food and gear will be my only priorities. It may get nasty but extra clothing will only take up space, weigh me down and any time taken to change is time where I’m not moving forward. Luckily my prison guard stocked the kitchen with plenty of non-perishables and is incredibly absent. Both these things would normally send-off warning bells in my brain, but considering I’m my only hope for escape, I’ll just have to ignore the little voices that sound too much like Bobby and Dean.

I leave the next morning at dawn. It takes me roughly half the day to reach the section of woods that feels forbidden. As I get closer and closer to the invisible barrier, I can feel my body being overtaken by a sense of wrongness. I stand there taking a few calming breaths before closing my eyes and stepping over the invisible threshold. 

The feeling disappears and I open my eyes to my worse case scenario. I was back at the edge of the clearing, staring at the very cabin I had left hours ago.


	10. And Life Went on Without Her

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You were right.” The inner older brother in me flinched at those words. I hated admitting Sam was right.

**Chapter 10: And Life Went on Without Her**

We were in another small town, the name of which I’d already forgotten. I down another shot, the number of which I had also forgotten. None of it really mattered anyway. We’re hurling at record speed towards an apocalypse and the only one of us with common sense and the ability to actually form a plan has disappeared from our lives, yet again. _‘But this time she didn’t leave you, this time she was taken.’_ Thanks inner me, that’s not a whole lot better.

“It just doesn’t make any sense, Dean.” Sam’s talking again. Maybe he thinks talking about Hell is less of a sore spot than talking about her. “I mean, why would Uriel tell me you remembered Hell if you didn’t?” The kid will not give this up. We’ve been going in circles for what feels like an eternity.

“Maybe because he’s a dick? Might have something to do with it.” Honestly, I’d prefer to just not talk about any of this. We should be focusing on how to defeat Lilith and prevent the apocalypse. Sam wasn’t going to let it go, though. Interrogating me like I was the problem here. Between him and our overly cheerful waitress I was ready to shoot something. It was just my luck that he found reports of a spirit haunting the ladies shower of some gym or something.

* * *

“Well, this is definitely a first.” We were stood in front of what the kid had sworn was an honest to god wishing well.

“Think it actually works?” Sam looked at me, before returning his attention to the well.

“Only one way to find out.” I fish a coin out of my pocket. So many things to wish for, where do I start? _“You know what you really want to wish for.”_ Inner me, this might be the first time in a while I agree with you. _“Go ahead then, toss the damn thing in the well and get her back.”_

“Dean? What are you wishing for?” Trust Sam to interrupt my inner turmoil.

He’s got a point though; I should make up my mind. As much as I want to wish for her back, we don’t know how this thing works. For all I know she could be dead, and her fucking ghost will start haunting me. The only thing worse than finding out she’s dead, would be having to salt and burn her. 

“Shh! Not supposed to tell dude. Didn’t anyone teach you the rules of a wishing well?” I toss my coin in the fountain and turn back to Sam. He’s got this look on his face, one that gives me the impression that Sam's thinking about her too. 

“Someone order a foot long Italian with jalapenos?” A delivery guy popped out of nowhere startling both of us.

* * *

Hanging over the toilet, I was really glad I’d had the forethought for once in my life to do the sensible thing and wish for the sandwich.

“The sandwich, huh?” Sam had that ‘told you so’ tone to his voice. If I wasn’t currently busy trying not to hurl the entire contents of my stomach, I’d slap it out of him.

“Coins Babylonian. Cursed. Found some fragments of a legend.” I turn away from Sam to gag into the toilet once more. “Some serpent god, goes by Tiamat. Babylonian god of primordial chaos. Guess their priest were working some serious black magic.” I exit the bathroom my stomach seeming to settle for now.

“They made the coin?” Sam was seated at the small motel room table, going over my research.

“Yeah, sowing the seeds of chaos and what not.” If only they knew to wait a few centuries and a couple of idiots from Kansas would create world ending chaos. “Whoever tosses a coin in the well, making a wish, turns the well on. That’s when it starts granting wishes to anyone.”

“But these wishes get twisted. A little girl asks for a talking teddy…”

“She gets a bipolar nut job.” I supply for Sam, ever the mincer of words.

“And _you_ get E. coli.” He mocks me, and just the mention of my soured wish has bile rising in my throat again.

“This thing has turned quite a few towns upside down over the centuries.” I push the papers in front of Sam. “Even wiped a few off the map. I mean, one person gets their wish, it’s trouble, but everybody gets their wish…”

“It’s chaos.” I nod along to Sam’s astute observation.

“Do we know how to stop it?” Sam starts looking through my papers again.

“Yeah, only way is to find the first wisher. They’re the only ones who can pull out the first coin and reverse the wishes. So, for now, we’ve got a couple of nutso dreams come true, but once word gets out about the well, things are gonna get crazier and crazier.” I grab a couple of beers.

Alcohol is definitely needed tonight. _‘You should cool it on the alcohol dependence. If you ever do find her, she’s gonna be disappointed that you went back to old habits.’_ Yeah, well you know what they say about those inner me.

* * *

“Dean, wake up!” Sam’s shouting breaks through my nightmare, forcing my eyes to open.

“What? I’m up. What?” I rub at my eyes as my brain struggles to release the dream.

“Sleep well?”

“Yeah,” I lean over the side of the bed and pick up the trusty whiskey bottle that has become my new bed companion. If we’re going to have this conversation again, I’ll need all the whiskey I can down. “Tan, rested and ready.”

“Dean, come on. You think I can’t see it?” No, I just figured you’d do the polite thing and ignore it.

“See what?”

“The nightmares, the drinking. I’m with you 24/7. I know something’s going on.”

“You mean besides my girlfriend disappearing from the face of the earth with nothing but a frantic voicemail to Bobby. Or the fact that we’re currently trying to stop a literal apocalypse from happening. Or the fact that I damn near wished for Kate back at that well?” The more I yelled, the closer I got to Sam. “What do you want from me Sammy? What?”

“The truth, Dean. I’m your brother. I… I just wish you’d talk to me.” She would have described the look on Sammy's face as the patented Sam Winchester _‘_ kicked puppy’ face.

“Careful what you wish for.” Cause I may not know a lot, but I do know she wouldn’t want me burdening you with all this crap.

“Cute.” Sam’s got that look, like he has something else to say but he’s too afraid to say it. “That’s the first time you’ve said her name since that night.”

“Look can we just get back to the case already.” I turn away from Sam, and look at all the clues we’ve gathered so far.

“Right, well how are we supposed to find the first wisher?” Sam joins me at the table.

“Come on, Sammy, you’re supposed to be the smart one here. They’ve been advertising most of the wishes in the paper, so we go back a month and look for anything that looks like a granted wish.”

* * *

Turns out the coin belonged to some guy named Wes. Got it when his grandad bit it and used it to get the girl of his dreams. Convincing the dude to give up his dream turned out to be harder, and more deadly, than figuring out what was going on. And I’m talking literally about the deadly thing, Sam got struck by lightning. The whole things made me do some _‘_ soul searching’ _._ I’d like to think she’d be proud of me for finally trying to deal with some of my issues.

“Hey Sam, hang on for a second.” I grab his arm and stop him from getting in the Impala.

“What?”

“You were right.” The inner older brother in me flinched at those words. I hated admitting Sam was right.

“About what?” Oh, come on, Sammy, don’t make me spell it out for you.

“I shouldn’t have lied to you. I do remember everything that happened to me in the Pit. Everything.” I couldn’t maintain eye contact with him.

“So, tell me about it.” Sam put his hand on my arm in a comforting gesture. I want to shrug it off but there's a small voice, that sounds a hell of a lot like _her_ telling me not to.

“No.” There was only so much of this touchy feely crap I could do, and taking a walk down Hell memory lane was not part of it.

“Dean,” Sam starts to protest and I shut him down.

“I won’t lie anymore. But I can’t talk about it.” I take a step back from Sam, starting to feel a bit overwhelmed.

“Dean, you can’t just shoulder this thing alone. You got to let me help.” He’s got the kicked puppy look again. “It’s what she’d want you to do.” Low blow, little brother, low blow.

“Maybe so, but do you really think that a little heart-to-heart, some sharing and caring, is gonna change anything? Somehow… heal me? Bring her back? We’re not talking about some regular joe’s bad day here.” I turn away from Sam, heading for the driver’s side.

“I know that.” Do you, Sam? Could you ever really understand?

“The things I saw… There aren’t words. There is no forgetting. There’s no making it better. Because it is right here…” I tap my head at this, “forever. You wouldn’t, no couldn’t, understand. And I could never make you understand. So, I am sorry.” I get in the Impala, and Sam climbs in the passenger seat.

“I may not be able to understand what happened in the Pit, but I can understand the pain of losing Kate.”

“I haven’t lost her. She’s not dead, Bobby’s checking every lead he can, and we will find her, Sam.” Even without looking at Sam I can tell he has a look of pity on his face. But his pity is misplaced. If she were gone, really gone, I’d know. I’d feel it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the beginning of me flipping back and forth between Dean & Kate's POV's. And I know it's a little heavy on the time jumping, but I don't want to overload chapters. Plus I'm trying to focus on scenes where I can really get into how Dean's feeling about everything.


	11. So, You're Being Held Hostage By an Angel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “A nice prison cell is still a prison cell. And any prison cell is a hell hole, especially when the people you love think you just took off.”

**Chapter 11: So, You are Being Held Hostage by an Angel**

“Finally figured it out, have you?” The blonde man was back. I turned to see him leaning against a tree a few steps behind me.

“You say that like I’ve been trapped here forever. I’ve only been in this hellhole for a little over a week; and in case you haven’t noticed I’m not exactly in a position to be making rash decisions and running headfirst into danger.” I turned back towards where I believe the wall of this prison is.

“Hellhole? I put a lot of thought and effort into making this place as comfortable for you as possible and you call it a _hellhole_? Have you ever been to Hell? Cause I can tell you it isn’t even close to as nice as this place.” He pushes off the tree, seemingly genuine anger and hurt etched on his face.

“A nice prison cell is still a prison cell. And any prison cell is a hell hole, especially when the people you love think you just took off.” I search the invisible border, hoping to find a chink in it or maybe a seal that can be broken.

“And how do you know that’s what they think? Maybe they are searching for you right now, desperately worried for your safety. You did leave a pretty frantic voicemail for your Uncle.” The man was beside me now, a new look on his face. If I were naïve, I would have said it was concern, but I’m not the easily swayed fool I used to be.

“Even if my _Dad_ thought I was missing, based off what little knowledge I have of my current predicament, I can only assume there are zero leads for him to follow.” I’ve replayed the events of the last week over and over in my head enough to know the chances of them finding me was slim. “Besides shouldn’t you _not_ want them to be looking for me? I’m fairly sure whoever you’re working for doesn’t want me being found, hence the admittedly impressive, barrier surrounding my personally tailored _hellhole._ ”

“Didn’t we go over the whole _‘I’m not working for anyone’_ nonsense the last time we had a little chit-chat? Maybe I’m testing the Winchesters loyalty to you?” The man seemed annoyed.

“I highly doubt you’re not working for someone. You said yourself there’s a war brewing, I’d assume as an angel you wouldn’t have a choice but to pick a side.” This seemed to be the wrong choice of words, as the man seemed to bristle, a look of rage gracing his features.

“You and the rest of those fuckers with this belief that I have to pick a side. If someone told you the Winchesters were about to have a fight to the death, would you pick a side? Or would you try and stop them from hurting each other? And what if they told you this epic fight would cause harm to your family? Would you still go along with it just because the man in charge told you too?” The man was right in front of me now. Staring up into his eyes, I could see the barely concealed pain. It was an achingly familiar look; one I’d only ever seen when looking in the mirror.

“You know, you never told me your name.” I don’t know what really possessed me to ask that, beyond the sudden feeling of empathy I’d had at his poorly hidden emotions. “It’s only fair that I should know the name of the guy holding me captive, especially seeing as how you know mine.”

“I told you, you’re not a prisoner. I’m trying to keep you safe.” He turned away from me and started towards the border. He stopped just in front of it, before turning back towards me. “You can call me Gabe.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finally named one of my mystery men... although I'm sure it wasn't hard to decipher who the three unnamed schemers of the last few chapters were. Sorry for it being a shorter chapter, I was originally going to have Kate's imprisonment be one chapter but my beta convinced me to split it up, hence the Dean POV Chapters. Also due to reasons in my personal life, I'm now only going to be posting on Sunday's.


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